Jul 23 2008
Tongue Tied & Twisted
I find myself jittery and anxious. I know I’ve already overstated how eager I am to return to San Diego, but at this point, knowing I am in my last month here, it’s almost unbearable.
I’ve become a different person. Not necessarily better, and not necessarily worse, just… different. I’m not driven by the same things I was even as little as 6 months ago. I’m far more judgmental than I had ever let myself be before. And I want a lot more than I ever have before.
It’s hard too because being in a long distance relationship at this point, I can’t help but question what the future will bring.
Is it fair to engage in commitment with such a hazy outcome? I don’t even know if he’ll be back next summer. I don’t know his life path, and I don’t know mine.
I know it’s a childish fancy, but sometimes I wish I could just press pause on us, we could go get ourselves together, then come back and pick up where we left off.
It’s horrid, but I can’t help but feel like I have many more mistakes still left to make.
One Response to “Tongue Tied & Twisted”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Not A Member? Register for Free!
hmmm…I know its hard. I know the pain of separation just as well as you do, and I feel its impending tingling in me stronger every day. Think of it this way though. What if I went to San Diego State? What if I continued to see you everyday? There will still come a trial period where our career paths might take us separate ways. It’s inevitable.
I’m not making much of a case and I know it. I wish I could tell you that everything was under my control, that I was sure about all outcomes and that you have nothing to worry about. I can’t do that. Nor would you really want me to.
All I can tell you is this: The last year and a half, despite the long distance, despite having my heart torn everytime I leave you, has been one of the best I have experienced thus far. You are a beautiful person, someone who I have come to love and care very much about. You mean a lot to me and you can take my word that I will do everything possible to make this work. I’m a stubborn person, you know that because of the times we have clashed. My heart is in this.
I just need to know you are in this with me.